Category Archives: personal and social development

Wishing you an awesome New Year… No resolution only motivation

It’s still the holiday season and being on staycation, I’ve time to read. One of the articles I’ve recently come across is on the science of success and motivation (https://www.forbes.com/sites/quora/2017/05/19/the-science-behind-success-and-motivation/#6b62c0c44a81Harvard seen 26/12/17). Mr Eric Barker, writer of the Barking Up The Wrong Tree blog, stated that “If you’re tired and unmotivated, it almost doesn’t matter what other strengths you have. People who do nothing tend to achieve nothing. So knowing what motivates you can be critical to success.” I agree with him.

Quoting Prof Teresa Amabile’s research finding that the feeling of progress in your efforts is the most motivating factor in life, Barker advises us to focus on “small wins.” I share his view on this: it is better to work gradually and a step at a time toward meeting our main challenge than to deal with massive issues head on then feel like we’re not getting closer to our goals and are failing.

There are two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic motivation comes from within, i.e. yourself. Individuals are motivated because they want to be accepted, honoured, independent, loved, powerful, respected, or wanted.

Extrinsic motivation comes from the outside, and the most often mentioned motivating factor for working hard is money. However, many studies have shown that money is not the main source of happiness. If I were one of the respondents, I would have definitely revealed the same thing.

Years ago, an Australian friend brought to my attention a research done by Dr Adele Eskeles Gottfried, retired professor of educational psychology at the California State University at Northridge. She had surmised that children with parents who encouraged independence, inquisitiveness and effort had higher intrinsic motivation and achievement, and these have long-term effects. Dr Gottfried even said that teaching children the desire to learn is as important as teaching them academic skills.

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink”. This down-to-earth idiomatic expression means that you can provide people with an opportunity or an advantage, but you can’t force them to do something if they don’t want to.

Since intrinsic motivation is primordial to success, how can we have this? I am motivated when I feel I am doing something that is part of my overall goal and wellbeing; or it contributes to the good of other people, especially to my family and friends. My motivation is maintained, or even increased, when my performance is favourably recognised. It’s alright to be proud of what we achieve.

I don’t get money from blogging, but I do it because I enjoy writing. I am passionate about sharing my ideas and experiences with others. How about you?

Understanding what motivate us can have immediate and lasting positive effects. By doing what motivate us, we are more likely to live a healthy, peaceful and happy life.

If you want people around you to be motivated, then be intrinsically motivated yourself. Motivation is contageous: values, beliefs, actions and behaviour can be transmitted and facilitated.

All the best.

Apologies go a long way

Two weeks ago, commuting by bus, a woman in her late 60s placed her two heavy-looking bags on the seat in front of me and remained standing. I moved to the window seat and motioned her to the one I just vacated. She declined thankfully and explained politely that her back hurt and couldn’t sit down.

The next 25 minutes were like being in a cinema watching a terrible community drama. With full of emotion, she narrated how her daughter’s motorcycle accident caused their family un-describable pain and hardship. Her daughter was only 17 years old (this was nearly 20 years ago) and went for a motorcycle ride with a male friend of her age in the countryside not far from their home. The driver took off leaving her on the ground bleeding and bruised. She got home by crawling and limping, and stayed in the hospital for several months. This devoted mum said with watery eyes «If that coward didn’t leave her alone and she had medical attention right away, she would have recovered earlier and better.”

I asked her what happened to that “male friend”. “He now has a good job and in a relationship, but my daughter lives with me because she can’t look after herself. I wish I had brought them to court; but at that time, I was just glad she’s alive. I did admonish him saying that if she had died, I’d have killed him.”

Did he apologise? No… “Of course not.”

Why didn’t he? How about his parents? Why didn’t they apologise or talk him into doing it?

Apology goes a long way, and there are many ways to show you’re sorry.

According to Dr Guy Winch, saying “I’m sorry” has psychological ramifications and elicits fundamental fears, either conscious or unconscious, that non-apologists desperately want to avoid. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201305/5-reasons%20-why-some-people-will-never-say-sorry seen on 30/11/17).

Dr Winch further explained that:
* Those who don’t apologise (non-apologists) have trouble separating their actions from their character; so when they did something bad, they must be bad people. Then, if they were wrong, they must be ignorant or stupid. As such, apologising is a threat to their identity and self-esteem.
* Apologising might cause guilt and shame, and the latter is a more toxic emotion than the former. Non-apologists worry that their apology will lead to more accusations and conflict. They worry that by apologising they would assume full responsibility and relieve the other person of culpability. “If arguing with a spouse, for example, they might fear an apology would exempt the spouse from taking any blame for a disagreement, despite the fact that each member of a couple has at least some responsibility in most arguments,” Dr Winch said.
* Non-apologists are often comfortable with anger, irritability and emotional distance, but they are threatened by emotional closeness and vulnerability. Contrary to their assumption, however, opening up is “often incredibly therapeutic and empowering, and it can lead them to experience far deeper emotional closeness and trust toward the other person, significantly deepening their relationship,” Dr Winch added.

I’ve seen and heard how a simple “I’m sorry” had prevented a quarrel, mended a broken relationship, got rid of sorrow and pain, helped someone move on, and improved exchanges. As a parent, saying sorry is a good example for our children, and this has a far-reaching social implication.

Saying sorry is a strength and not a weakness, and a necessary interpersonal skill. A failed or undelivered apology hampers forgiveness and can cause long-term grudges (and even vengeance).

The holiday season has arrived and the year 2017 is nearly over. I wish you and your loved ones safe and joyful celebrations, and may you will have peace, good health and happiness throughout 2018.

Cheers!

Is queuing (or lack of it) influenced by our culture?

I arrived at the bus stop 5 minutes before the scheduled departure time. I was pleased to see my former student and we chatted while queuing. My smiling turned into frowning when I saw two women placing themselves before the more than ten persons already in line.

I was shocked not only because they jumped the queue but that no one said anything. Less than a minute later, three women did the same thing. I whispered to my student that it was unacceptable and we should say something. He turned red and apologised on behalf of the French people in France.

I often witness queue jumping (or cutting) in France and was a direct victim of it several times. I haven’t forgotten the first time I experienced this. Coming from Australia, where falling in line for everything and in everywhere is a natural behaviour, my first year in France was quite a shock. While queuing in a local bakery, a well-groomed woman bypassed me and 5 other persons. Stunned and a bit angry, I put together a few French words alerting the man in front of me. Unfortunately, he said “ça va, j’ai le temps” (it’s all right, I’ve time). I couldn’t believe what I heard. It wasn’t a question regarding time! It’s about respect and courtesy!

The female queue jumper didn’t apologise and walked out proudly, as if she was the centre of the world. I was so disappointed that I gave a minute sermon to my two-year-old son (who was in his pram) on respect, discipline and social manners. He understood nothing, of course; but, I knew there was at least one person in that bakery who worked out the message I tried to impart.

For me, falling in line for goods and services is about fairness and civility, as popularised in the adage “First come, first serve.” When this norm is broken, there’s individual disgust that can lead to social disharmony. There have been incidents of individuals hurting each other because of perception of fairness related to queuing.

I’d also experienced something related to queuing that was as annoying but not so straightforward. While at the cinema, a woman queued for her daughter and her friends. I didn’t expect it and was taken by surprise when she left and wished the girls a good time. Is it right for a person to hold a spot for another (or a group)? How about paying someone to do it for us?

In western countries, like the UK and Canada, standing in line while waiting for goods and services in shops, government offices and everywhere is an expected human trait and behaviour. In France (also a western nation), however, this seems to be more of an individual prerogative.

Italy is another western country where non-queuing is a cultural phenomenon. As The Local (https://www.thelocal.it/20150410/my-italian-habits-that-foreigners-just-dont-get seen on 15/10/17) has stated, “We’re not into queuing. We don’t queue, we just stand close to one another until we see an opportunity to overtake you. But for Italians, it’s perfectly normal! Arm yourself with a lot of patience, or download a game on your phone – and don’t get offended by nudges, they most probably didn’t mean it.”

In India, Shefaly Yogendra has this to say: “Queues are for societies that at least have a pretence of egalitarianism. India is hierarchical and none misses a chance to impose their authority over the next person, the commonest phrase being — Do you know who I am?” (https://www.quora.com/Why-are-people-in-India-generally-disrespectful-of-forming-straight-lines-when-queueing-up-for-something seen 15/10/17).

For queue believers (like me), line jumpers or by-passers/cutters are annoying and unpleasant; so, what shall we do?

(I’m posting this from Cap d’Agde in France where I’m participating in a 7-day international chess tournament. So far, I’ve more losses than wins; but this doesn’t matter as what’s important is how I play and progress. The best part of this event is the nightly game between Karpov/Russia and Vaisser/France).

Health and well-being

Last June 19 – 22 was Well-Being Week at the European Parliament and there were exhibitions and information sessions held to inspire and help people to be healthy and happy. June 21 was Music Festival not only in France and Luxembourg but in many parts of the world, and it made many people joyful. June 22 was UN International Yoga Day and it highlighted the useful contribution of yoga to humankind’s healthy lifestyle that is harmonious with nature. In Luxembourg, the 23rd was a public holiday as it was the country’s national day filled with festivities, food stalls, concerts, fireworks and merrymaking.

These were different events, but had similar goals, which were to inform, entertain and encourage people to relax and be peaceful– important for our well-being. When we are happy and peaceful, we are stressed-resistant and our immune system functions favourably maintaining a healthy body and mind. My adult students recently did a class project on health and well-being, and concluded that “Healthy workplaces are positive and positive workplaces are healthy.”

You may argue that achieving a work-life balance isn’t easy as it doesn’t only involve you and there are issues beyond your control, such as a demanding job and/or boss. Rightly so, however, this one person (YOU) has choices. We can have positive daily work experience in the midst of deadlines, not-so-caring supervisor and uncooperative or annoying colleagues. At home, relationships can be improved by having open communication, by being honest and respectful, and by showing more empathy and understanding. We have different levels of optimism, but even a half-empty glass has a space that can be filled. If everyone contributes to filling this, it does not take long for it to be full again.

On the global level, The World Economic Forum (Matthieu Ricard https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2015/09/5-ways-to-improve-the-well-being-of-the-world/) has identified 5 ways to improve health and well-being: Increasing support to mental health (addressing mental ailments account for only a small part of the health budget of developed nations); Cooperation (need to move to the next level of partnership to face the many challenges of our times. Solidarity and reciprocity that nurture harmonious relationships); Caring economics (“economy must exist to serve society, not to be served by society. It must also benefit society as a whole”. There should be a pragmatic action to achieve a fair economy and long-term harmony); Promoting altruism (“Happiness and satisfaction are measured in terms of a generation, encompassing our life plan, our career and our family. Whether or not we are happy depends not only on external conditions but also on the ways in which our mind interprets these conditions as happiness or misery”); A new economic harmony (“a situation that guarantees everyone a decent way of life and reduces inequality at the same time as ceasing to exploit the planet at such a drastic rate.” Material abundance doesn’t equate to happiness and well-being.

My students entitled their class project “You only live once” — living to the fullest in terms of being healthy and happy, but without excesses. Did you know that the global consumption of alcohol was 6.3 litres of pure alcohol per person ages 15 and older in 2015, which was equivalent to 3 litres of beer (4 percent alcohol) a week? The highest consumption was in Europe and Central Asia (10.2 litres of pure alcohol per person a year); and lowest in the Middle East and North Africa (0.8 litres). (http://datatopics.worldbank.org/sdgatlas/SDG-03-good-health-and-well-being.html).

As you may know, too much alcohol drinking can take a serious toll on our health and well-being. For instance, it can weaken our immune system hence making our body susceptible to diseases. It’s summer time here in Europe and it’s a real temptation to grab a cold beer or softdrinks. The former is tonic but can also cause ill-health. According to the Harvard School of Public Health (www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/healthydrinks/focus.html), the long-term effects of artificially sweetened drinks on weight and health are unknown. Thus, if you drink these, be reasonable! Water is much cheaper and absolutely good for our body – about 8 glasses per day. You can, of course, quench your thirst by drinking coffee and tea without sugar or cream.The Harvard School of Public Health has also revealed that even 100% fruit juice should be consumed with moderation (no more than a glass a day) as though it has vitamins, it’s also high in calories.

Take care.. Enjoy your summer!

We’re all in the same boat

Happy Labour Day!

Four of my friends were born in April. When I was in Australia, April was a month of non-stop partying, gift giving and receiving, and catching up with relatives and acquaintances. It’s widely known that the birthstone of April is diamond. Meanwhile, it’s still a wonder why this fourth month of the year is called as such. One explanation refers to its Latin origin, Aprilis, which is derived from aperire meaning “to open” as in the opening or blossoming of flowers and trees throughout the month of April in Europe (the northern hemisphere). Another theory is that since Aphrilis is derived from the Greek “Aphrodite” and since months are often named for gods and goddess, it can be deduced that April is in honour of the Greek goddess of love (the Romans called this goddess ‘Venus’). (http://blog.dictionary.com/april/)

This year’s April, however, didn’t seem like a month of wealth (diamond) and love for many individuals and families. The Hunger Project reveals that 795 million people, which is one in nine persons in the world, do not have enough to eat; and 98% of the world’s undernourished people live in developing countries. (http://www.thp.org/knowledge-center/know-your-world-facts-about-hunger-poverty/)

Last April, you’d surely seen on TV the horrifying chemical attack in a Syrian town that prompted the US airstrikes, suicide bombing of the 2 Coptic Christian churches in Egypt, stolen truck driven by a terrorist into a store in a busy Swedish street, killing of a police officer in Paris, etc. I know none of the victims, nevertheless, these incidents have saddened me a lot and made me earthlier.

There’s only one planet Earth, and “we’re all in the same boat.” The loss of lives and sufferings due to crime and poverty contribute to more fears, anxiety and insecurity. On the other hand, these can bring individuals and communities together (and have done so).

No individual or nation thrives alone or in isolation. As such, there are many international alliances, e.g. The United Nations and its many bodies, European Union (EU), The Commonwealth, North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO), Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC), Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN), G7, G20, International Criminal Court, Organisation for Security and Co-operation in Europe (OSCE), etc.

Though it looks like a person is an insignificant fish in the ocean, individuals make up the whole; and we can’t anymore pass the buck around. There are simple and costless ways we can do to help prevent and tackle crime, climate change, safety, insecurity (all forms including poverty), inequality and other ills in our society. Voting during local and national elections for the person and party that address these issues seriously, for example, is never a small step. We’ve to think globally and act locally!

As with the Titanic in the 1900s, when one side of the ship/boat sinks (sooner or later) all other parts submerge into the bottom of the sea. Some passengers may survive due to their quick thinking and surviving skills, sacrifices of loved ones and strangers, just pure luck or their own selfish acts; others perish; and many are left heart broken.

Sailing or travelling is smooth and peaceful, and we reach our destination with a grin, when no one or nothing rocks and/or destroys the boat. Let’s go an extra mile to smile, understand, cooperate, care and participate in making our neighbourhood (eventually our world) more liveable, sustainable and fun.

Our brains adapt and change

I hope 2017 has started well for you and your loved ones. I’m not a fan of New Year’s resolutions but believe that there’s always a room for improvement. So, in any day of any month, I try to deal with my faults and weaknesses. These imperfections make me wake up in the morning wanting to do something better than yesterday.

As you can see on the above photograph, I got a trophy 3 weeks ago for finishing 2nd among adult female participants at a chess tournament in Marange-Silvange, a commune 20 km from where I live in Moselle department in north-eastern France. From time to time, I join this kind of competition because it makes my avid-chess playing son happy and proud of his mum. As well, I find the atmosphere festive amid rivalry characterised by fair play, respect and camaraderie.

What pleases me most is watching children, as young as 5 years old, sitting for some time thinking, analysing and making decisions which pieces to move to corner their opponents’ Kings. For me, all players are winners because they learn and exercise discipline, accept or manage their wins and losses, and try to improve their future performances. Furthermore, spending a Saturday or Sunday afternoon playing and socialising is more productive, with long-term benefits, than being a couch potato — which is likely when the outside temperature is -5°C.

Though there’s been a widespread use of computer and video games, Internet entertainment and online socialising, individuals and families still get involved in group activities. According to http://www.therichest.com/rich-list/most-popular/the-top-10-most-sold-board-games-ever), the following are the most popular board games ever: 1. Chess 2. Checkers 3. Backgammon 4. Scabble 5. Monopoly 6. Clue (or Cluedo) 7. Othello 8. Trivial Pursuit 9. Pictionary and 10. Risk.

Except for Clue and Othello, I’ve played them all; and when I was at university my favourite was Scabble which was responsible for my many sleepless nights. During the first decade of my professional life, I used to play Risk with 2 close male friends who either tried to persuade me to form an alliance to get rid of the other player or accused me of being unfair for showing leniency to the other.

On the other hand, except for a few hours of self defense lesson required by my father and membership to a local gym, I’ve never been in any sports club or group. Sometimes I play lawn tennis with my family and bowling a few times a year, and wish I could ski.

As you probably know, football (US ‘soccer’) is the most played sports in the world. Cricket and field hockey come next then tennis, volleyball, table tennis, baseball, golf and basketball. (http://www.mostpopularsports.net)

Whether you are a board game or sport enthusiast, you are doing something that helps develop or strengthen your mind as these activities train you to be patient and resilient in the face of difficulty or inconvenience. Likewise, being with other people widens your social network that can also have a flow-on effect on your professional life; and of course, it entertains you that has positive psychological and health benefits. It’s never too late to start a leisure activity or hobby, and why not a board game? Most towns and cities have local clubs that welcome new members.

I’d spoken with many chess players during tournaments and they told me that they started playing at home with their relatives or friends (or friends of friends) during family gatherings, through encouragement by teachers and classmates, watching the game or sport live on TV/movie/online, and living near the club or tournament.

Whatever game or sport we decide to do, let’s bear in mind that, as Dr. Doidge has said, not all activities are equal. “Those that involve genuine concentration—studying a musical instrument, playing board games, reading, and dancing—are associated with a lower risk for dementia. Dancing, which requires learning new moves, is both physically and mentally challenging and requires much concentration. Less intense activities, such as bowling, babysitting, and golfing, are not associated with a reduced incidence of Alzheimer’s.” (Dr. Norman Doidge is a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, researcher and author at the University of Toronto’s Department of Psychiatry and New York’s Columbia University’s Center for Psychoanalytic Training and Research).

Dr. Doidge has also said that “The brain is a far more open system than we ever imagined, and nature has gone very far to help us perceive and take in the world around us. It has given us a brain that survives in a changing world by changing itself.” (http://www.azquotes.com/author/18876-Norman_Doidge).

PS:My website was down for a while for reasons unknown to me, and it took a few days to fix it.Our brains adapt and change

Surprises, wonders and hope

Happy New Year!

December 2016 was an unusual Christmas for me because I had received an unexpected, generous gift from someone who’s not a friend or relative. When I opened the envelope, I thought it was handed to me by mistake, so the next time I saw her I tried to return it. With the sweetest smile, she said “it’s not a mistake, it’s for you from Santa.” A week later, I still couldn’t believe and accept such a present. What did I do to deserve such kindness? This act of generosity propelled me to do the same, and I was even more blessed. I was so joyful to see the sparkling eyes of contentment and happiness of those I shared my blessings with.

The year 2016 has just ended, and it’s quite a challenge trying to find words to describe it. It has been a tough year for several people whose friendship I value (i.e. losing parents and family members, colleagues, etc.) This reminds me, as in other gloomy situations, that I should not neglect my family and friends, and be greatly grateful for what I’ve.

As well, I should look at the glass half full, and not half empty, even in surprisingly polarising events, such as Brexit in the UK and Donald Trump’s election as the US president. The situation in Syria’s Aleppo is dehumanising and unbearable, and how can peace and security be restored there? Last month’s terrorist attacks in Europe and the Middle East resulted in the loss of many lives, which have contributed significantly to making the fear of migrants and refugees even worse. Consequently, insecurity in many facets and from different directions besets our society. On the other hand, there were inspiring events last year that have left a positive imprint, such as the Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro with its Refugee Team (the first time in its history).

What could we have done better in 2016? There are things that we definitely can’t undo, however, these can serve as hard-earned lessons to be a good or better person. I won’t seek for perfection as “One of the basic rules of the universe is that nothing is perfect. Perfection simply doesn’t exist…..Without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist” (Stephen William Hawking – born 8 January 1942, English theoretical physicist, cosmologist and author who has a rare early-onset, slow-progressing form of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis and uses a speech-generating device to communicate).

But, I’m persuaded that the following actions can make life more fun, fulfilling and challenging:

If you’re not happy with today, do something about it (i.e. willing to change).
Bury experiences that make you angry.
Be honest: the truth is easier to remember. The so called ‘white lies’ or an economised truths distort and can cause emotional pain to others.
Cultivate or have a sense of gratitude.
Stop making excuses and blaming others.
Avoid being cynical and defensive.
There are always two sides to every story, so listen to both.
Forgive
(What else?)

The above statements are easier written (said) than done; however, they are worth giving a go. If we don’t succeed the first time, let’s try again and again.

May you experience lots of love, joy, peace and good health in 2017 and beyond.
Take care!